Hymn for the Wrong Dudes

The right fielder’s catching lefty
The Dodger’s sockets are red
The stadium cheers for lions
Good Time Religion’s dead

Here comes the pity monger
He receives that one man’s wave
He’s eighteen hundred on the asphalt
He’s eighteen years old in his grave

And the scene kids and the skinheads
All walk through the monger’s shoes
As the Umpire of America’s game
Talks to one of the wrong dudes

The prom date scowls at the beatnik
They argue about gambling and scores
The poet fancies himself a player
His cohort fancies him a whore

Then into the scene pops eye candy
The muses forget to stand straight
Now his pockets are full of molehills
And his stomach reeks of dumb weight

And the Aryan war hawk opens his mouth
And toggles bohemians’ moods
So the Pope hits home, he calls himself Rome
He’s now one of the wrong dudes

Now the whitefish are so common
They convince pike and carp to switch
The salmon struggles lightly
But is no match for the clutches of the witch

All take her man’s name while swooning
Especially the damsel in the dress
Everybody’s forgiven the bigger fish
And forgotten the salmon’s quest

So the leaders of this fertile pack
Invite the Brownies to the tree while nude
And the snake is crowned the mountain king
By all of the wrong dudes

The madam lures her lone wench
For them I’m nervous yet thrilled
I’ve never yet been to heaven
But two of my selves have been killed

She speaks of glory from hardship
But I’m not learning anything new
She says I’ve still got lots to learn
I say I’ll learn as I do

And all I can see is the reddest of lights
That by saying “yes” says “no” so rude
As the freedmen face more slavery
Thanks to all of the wrong dudes

Madoff and Manny in one man
With his neon signs appearing free
Charges his cousin twenty-eight grand
Though no employees agree

Now his cult run a lap to paradise
But that same road leads to the dark
Ever since Noah shut his doors
To the last animal to knock on the ark

You would not think that handsome cat
Possessed ancient habits so crude
His kin now dreams of vengeance
Upon all of the wrong dudes

Dr. Bork, he knows no poetry
Tell me how he aced his prose
He keeps his practice in the quack tabloids
And his trembling patients in rows

Now his star pupil is in handcuffs
Or so that kid’s mother blabbed
And she also helped that physician
To hail fifty million cabs

They all despise a wise teacher
They’re underpaid until they’re sued
And the Umpire favors the horsemen
And all of the wrong dudes

Across the street the fashion police
Chase after the alien queen
The loudest and fastest white girls
Are given second chances by the Dean

I heard one cop make a comment
That put all the Mexicans down
Nowadays it’s damn near illegal
To be a Mexican in a white town

And the liberal elitists shout “Democracy”
But they want that as much as fast food
They also blame Israel as much as Iran does
They blame all of the wrong dudes

All of these hip new hopers
Know that their Umpire’s black
But they love how he avoids Ebonics
So they’d cut his brother no slack

And they call their music “indie”
And they call their cannabis “bud”
That music and weed once belonged to others
Who now grumble in the mud

Where have all the good people gone?
Slim Shady’s presence is lewd
The elite will grab anything and ruin it
For the consumption of the wrong dudes

The Umpire is not a bad man
But he’s on the political see-saw’s top
The elephants are on the see-saw’s base
Soon their suffering will stop

The Umpire got a new puppy
So the newscasters invade his room
Until some pigs cause some Mexican deaths
And influenza is portrayed as doom

There’s a panic as schools close for the month
And when one camper’s sickness is viewed
You can bet the epidemic is hyperbole
With all of the wrong dudes

So the world is rotten
The economy’s not all that’s poor
There’s things going wrong with the government
There’s things going wrong with the war

We must act or be acted upon
We can’t just complain about life
If we keep our heads up
We can get closer to eliminating strife

And as long as the Umpire does his job
We can believe that change will come through
But I would be much happier to live
Without all of the wrong dudes.


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