Archive for March, 2012

Bruce (Family Guy)

March 30, 2012

Bruce (previously known as the Performance Artist) is a fictional character in the animated television series Family Guy. He is voiced by Mike Henry, who created and designed the character. Bruce is a resident of Quahog, Rhode Island who first appeared in the season 1 episode “Chitty Chitty Death Bang“. Though he only had one other speaking role prior to the show’s cancellation (in season 3‘s “Mr. Saturday Knight“) and his name was not revealed until season 5‘s “No Chris Left Behind,” Bruce has become one of the most prominent recurring characters on the show.

Bruce’s voice bears a resemblance to that of The Cleveland Show protagonist Cleveland Brown, who is also voiced by Henry. The voice of Bruce has occasionally been used for anthropomorphic characters such as an overgrown power-hungry bumblebee and a large rat.

Little is known of Bruce’s personal life, except that his closest companion is a mostly unseen character named Jeffrey who has only appeared in “Die Semi-Hard,” an episode of The Cleveland Show, and the DVD cut of “Friends of Peter G[1]. Bruce is also notable for his numerous jobs, which include being a clerk for an “exotic entertainment” store, an attorney, a therapist, a CPR instructor, a spiritual medium, a communion wafer server, and a school board committee member. He is an alcoholic, as revealed in “Friends of Peter G.” when he appears at Alcoholics Anonymous and confesses his soft spot for rosé wine.

Though the character’s sexuality has never been explicitly stated, it has been strongly implied that the character is homosexual. In “Road to the North Pole,” Bruce awaits a ring from Jeffrey. In the upcoming MMO Family Guy Online, Bruce can be seen working at a gay bar and nightclub, though this might not be canon.

Non Sequitur Championship

March 25, 2012
  • allo
  • I’m Nigel Thornberry
  • and today we’re looking into the magical world of zebras
  • mwahahahha
  • smashing Marianne
  • great kippers too
  • quite delectable if I may say so myself

ain’t no thang but a chicken wang

  • McLOL!
  • kkk
  • roar roar roar
  • brick brick brick
  • I watched this!
  • no, sir, I didn’t like it.
  • also cocks
  • this isn’t NEDM … check minus.
  • 1’d
  • yo es dinero
  • each day we die a little more
  • Sid Hoffman or Sid Frenchman?

chickity china the chocolate chicken

  • who am I gonna stick my dick in
  • we’re not those kids
  • sitting on the couch
  • eat a peach
  • and I’m out
  • like trout
  • Ugoff Tripe
  • real meat no gimmix
  • Gandalf, you can get pwned by Ugoff
  • the most frawesome butcher since Stan the Tran fuckin’ Man
  • now this looks like a steak for me
  • so everybody come and pound with me
  • cuz we need a little bit of pork or beef
  • ‘cuz it feels so empty without meat
  • da na na na na
  • da na na na na
  • da na na na na
  • oh snap
  • he’s srs
  • we ain’t nothin but mammals
  • she doesn’t get enough cocaine
  • sorry man I’m just high man right now man so I got a lot to say man so let’s keep it cool man
  • chill man
  • take a puff and relax yo’ stuff
  • that’s the way it goes, all the ho’s and bro’s knows
  • yip yip yip
  • dude it’s manbearpig
  • I’m super cereal guys
  • gosh
  • lucky
  • I caught you a delicious bass
  • freakin’ idiot
  • pitiful lames
  • chicken check, microphone check
  • big game, big nuts, and a big fat chicken sack
  • I need macarena for my bunghole
  • the streets will flow with rivers of the blood of nonbelievers
  • the great Cornholio
  • AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
  • BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB
  • CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
  • DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
  • EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
  • FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
  • GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
  • HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
  • aw fuck it
  • I give up
  • you win
  • well I hope you’re happy
  • you can go brag to all your friends now

 

Yiddish Cup

March 24, 2012

Mom and Dad always feared I’d lose my Yiddish cup

But after the incident with the pommel horse and the neckerchief and the copper baton in the hand of the firebreathing sailor

They were too afraid to warn me of my wrongdoings

And I slipped into unconsciousness from panic

 

So my cousin Daniel, he’s a future American pharmaceutical engineer and though he works nights at La Luz de Jesus, he showed me his own Yiddish cup, a sapphire chalice with etchings of Jacob

And what was left of mine crumbled from brass to dust

 

They don’t have a problem with his night job

But to them the pollen of my Jennifer is ultimate strychnine

Though her confidence can turn a Yiddish cup’s water into wine.

Prophet (my version)

March 23, 2012
I ain’t no prophet, I’m just a brain with rat disease
But worship me anyway; get down on your knees
I’m going through my time of change and my time of need
You’re my test subject, and I’ll play you like I pleaseSo I thought to myself, “I’m gonna marry into wealth”
Gonna take everything she’s got to smoke and light it for myself

And she said to me, “I don’t like what I see”
And I said to her, “You’re glancing, babe, you have to stare”

Every time I called her up on the telephone
Policemen shot me down and said, “Leave her alone”
So I plastered up that scar and became a rising star
I’ll find an heiress who I can caress at the classy bar

And she said to me, “I don’t like what I see”
And I said to her, “You’re glancing, babe, you have to stare.”

Anthology Poem

March 23, 2012
I collect anthologies like Bleeding Gums Murphy collects fillings
But this anthology is only Leaves of Poets w/ Writer’s Block!
Poets who should be taking a vacation instead work
And submit the dregs of their careers to this anthology!

I know every musician has his “Silver Hammer”
And every rock star his “Spaghetti Incident”
But how many angry young men, new & old, can we take?

“I want to write Picassos of verse
Making my mark among the stars
My OHF is real unlike anyone else’s
I want to write a poem that will be used in curriculums everywhere…”

But none of them do. They just all slide into a buck anthology
Only opened when someone with too much time and little discretion
Reveals it among dusty ’87 chapbooks
And soon shuts it like all the rest of ‘em.

Rabbits on the Run

March 22, 2012

Each of Jennifer’s orifices is a portal to another galaxy

But when I’m not in the mood for surrealist space travel

I gaze into retinas which leap out to greet me in a juicy embrace

Two pug puppies of tissue, tearing me together

But during her departure, Ray and Nate simultaneously sought a slice of life

And they perverted her eyes into fleeting rabbits in the fetal position

Rabbit brains being penetrated with two horns of rabid bulldogs

Prey to their demands, I see Jennifer transformed into a reluctant jackalope

Firmly two-legged in the direction of New York City

I am on the other outskirt of the empire, but dog voodoo does not elude me

Someday I will arrive on Coney Island with nothing but a frankfurter in my hand

And two James Polk gold dollars in each one of my khaki pants’ pockets

These three necessities will become a ring which will lead Jennifer from harm

And lure her into a dimension that brings harmony to her poodle song.

Memes of the Troll Caper

March 22, 2012

Nick Vermicelli

One of the villains on cult Nicktoon Hey Arnold!, Nick Vermicelli is a Sicilian-American businessman with slight Mafia ties who often collaborates with beeper salesman and abusive father of Helga, Big Bob Pataki. His crimes include having a thick unibrow (lol I’m a hypocrite -Squirm) and associating with corrupt Germanic land developer Alphonse Perrier du von Scheck, the latter of which cost him his friendship with Pataki (Big Bob has a unibrow too).

Vermicelli is often seen collaborating with yet another criminal, Brick Maldonado. Perhaps their most controversial ploy was committing “Columbine II” when Columbine High School gained a disproportionate amount of juggalos.

 

Brick Maldonado

Named for California senator Abel Maldonado and based off of the character The Brickster from cult children’s video game LEGO Island, Brick Maldonado hates two things: skaters and juggalos, but rarely at the same time. Like Randolph from CatDog and Eric the Vampire, this fad/meme was the work of JohnnyLurg. He constantly says “brick brick brick” in a voice called AT&T Mike which is also used for Moon Man, an earlier YTMND troll meme.

 

Randolph from CatDog

Randolph from CatDog was created in May 2009 by YTMND rising troll star JohnnyLurg, who was inspired by the early work of another troll named pilleater. JohnnyLurg had jumped upon the OH YEAH MR. KRABS bandwagon along with therealdrewpickles (who was later suspected to be a sockpuppet of pilleater) and needed to create a forced meme of his own. The result was Randolph from CatDog.

On CatDog, Randolph is a wealthy celebrity cat who constantly says “I love it!” (misspelled “DIE’ LUV IT” on a site by pilleater or therealdrewpickles). His dad appeared in a couple episodes.

Randolph’s last name is Grant, possibly as an homage to Cary Grant.

 

Eric the Vampire

Though JohnnyLurg got all the credit, this forced meme (personally I think YTMND fads created/forced by trolls should be referred to as memes) was technically a collaboration between JohnnyLurg and an underground troll named pilleater. This meme (there you go) is based upon a character created by Jhonen Vasquez who appears in nearly every one of his franchises, including Invader Zim, Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, I Feel Sick, and possibly Squee. Depending on the franchise, Eric the Vampire is either a disgustingly deformed vampire with a head that would resemble that of the protagonist of the Frank Zappa song “San Ber’dino” had it been 99 pounds lighter, or merely a wannabe proto-Twilight goth in training wheels with a newfound obsession for vampirism and well-developed fetishs for smoke bombs and fat mummy girls. Both versions of the character were used in Eric the Vampire YTMNDs.

I hope LulzTroll sees this

March 21, 2012

After many months of Yours Truly’s efforts to take down the phantom menace known as Encyclopedia Dramatica.ch in the name of Oh Internet, Encyclopedia Dramatica is finally down for several days, some say forever. This could not have been done without My War, so all opposed to ED should thank me sometime next time you see me.

Jennifer Four

March 21, 2012

You won’t take my hand

You won’t walk this land

You won’t be my band

You want to be tanned

 

You won’t read my book

You won’t like my look

You won’t be my cook

You won’t enter this rook

 

You won’t share your head

You won’t share your bed

You won’t share your lead

You won’t share your dead

Garage Rock Prufrock

March 16, 2012

I

 

Listen, brothers, follow me

And we’ll carve our surname before the sea

So that Someone may express a desire

To support this broke southwestern band

For at the start we lost a hand

And my last four fingers will draw some swirls

So that in the sand will rest our girls

Like the groupie who made me cry and budge

Before I could breathe her hair like vanilla fudge

The drummer called her Miss Mudshark of May

I was offended, and I scowled at Ray
How can a pauper treat an heiress that way?

 

I want to break her platinum locks

I wish she’d tour with the Brothers Fawkes.

 

The drummer used to play so mad

That the schoolboys would insult his dad

Because nobody complimented his gift

He feels that Someone owes him a lift

And that his drumming skills are ahead of his date

When they’re merely parallel to the ones he hates

He equals Bonzo, but they never cross

Perhaps when he dies, fans will cut the moss

As the drummer world mourns another boss.

 

Will I, too, donate my brain to the Times?

Will I, too, die playing tag with my ego?

What did my men think of the songs?

And did they too share wonderful times

With that washed-out pixie-type schmoe?

God, keep us from achieving too much

Someone says that we’ll always stay small

But the drummer wants to lend his left hand

To the corporate capital cause

And the bassist just wants to play “Jaws”

Or he’ll knife us and break up the band

So I carve our endgame on the sand

And go looking for the girl of my heart.

 

I want to break her platinum locks

I wish she’d tour with Guyfather Fawkes.

 

II

 

Lion cub w/ dirty doors

Cries at visionary whores

Had some fame, now he’s lost it

Loved some fortune, Mother tossed it

Wailing in a mental cell

Seems he’s never doing well

 

But now he’s staring at the street

Preaching on the price of meat

As he licks raw chicken feet

A monger’s daughter helped him dance

But even that won’t break his trance

He’s pounding on the winter floor

Hoping God will cleanse his door

 

And would you know it?

God shoots up, tied and bound

And limps down to the Earthling pound

Whereupon God steals a book

This will teach God how to cook

Another of those gourmet minerals

And outside the bookstore, God meets the cub

God does not greet the cub

 

The cub greets God, rather addled

“Can ya help me?  I’m caught in a jam

It’s all I’ve ever experienced” etc.

But through all fools God has paddled

“Take this junk, shit’ll fix your doors

There will be no more squeaking this week”

 

God administers each plant and rock

But none of these will pick the lock

“Get yr act together, you’re wasting breath

I won’t take yr pity when I cause yr death”