Archive for July, 2012

A Letter to Appeal to Cosmoetica dot com’s Own Dan Schneider

July 31, 2012

Refer to

Mr. Schneider,

Though it was certainly not your intention, I am merely amused by your criticism of my alias Johnny Lurg within your recent essay. The same goes for your paranoia; that “Cosmoetica” account on Oh Internet which you attributed to me is not my sockpuppet. I don’t even believe it’s my confidant superdreamkilla’s account. And how you flatter me, Dan, comparing my writing to that of David Foster Wallace, a brilliant writer who I have not yet read and therefore owe no creative debts to. Thy insult has backfired, methinks. Of course, I’m one of the only people who knows that DFW is still alive. Yes, all this time, DFW was a pen name of your own Jessica Schneider. And now you undoubtedly respect the “man,” as you are opposed to the literary stylings of anybody outside of the oh-so monogamous Schneider union of matrimony. You are not so much different from the rest of us. You may not have a unibrow or God forbid curly hair, but the only true difference between the two of us is that I am the epitome of genuity while you are the antithesis of this, wading in the hellish sea of pretension.

Considerately yours,
Popeye Squirm


Brick Maldonado

July 30, 2012

Brick Maldonado appeared at the front of my bed

Caught a party mouse and she smelled like she’s been dead

I told him bout the twenty-one years of bad luck

And he told me not to give an honest fuck


Juggalo bones all caught in his beard

The juggalo clap is what he most feared

Just be strong like a brick in your yard

Don’t take the walking dead’s bullshit too hard


It’s been four score and seven nights since he came

And Brick Maldonado will always be the same.

Carnival of the Apes by Ogden Crosby

July 27, 2012

The Gorilla


The lowland or mountain gorilla

Can’t tell communion wafers from Nilla

Though Vatican II

Banned gorilla glue

Benedict’s still a shrilla gorilla killa.


The Chimpanzee


Meet my friend! He ain’t a wimp!

He ain’t a pansy! He’s a chimp!

He likes his journalism Gonzo

Ether is breakfast for Bonzo.


The Orangutan


Don’t talk while you eat, Dr. Zaius

I can’t hear the message you try to convey us

Did you say “I wanna be like youey?”

Oh never mind, you’re King Louie.


The Gibbon


My pity goes out to the gibbon

In the ape race, he won the worst ribbon

It was 37th place

Bonobos laughed in his face

And he drowned all his sorrows in bourbon.


The Bonobo


I don’t see this ape oft

Nor can I say his core’s soft

His habits are surely the lewdest

Dear Lord! You’ve a species of nudist!

The Amazing Ode to a Superhero

July 11, 2012

Oh, Andrew Garfield was pitiful

At replacing Tobey Maguire

The fact that Emma Stone noticed him

Proves her standards should have been higher

And then one day he went to that science lab

Where he knew intern Gwen would be found

And now Peter ahs at Spidey sense-removed bras

In subways all under town


Oh yawn kaching deja vu

Yawn kaching deja vu dumb dumb

Reboot us a film, you’re the Marvel Corp.

Recycle some plots tonight

‘Cuz we’re all in the mood for some rehash now

And there’s movie critics to spite

Denis Leary’s an overpaid police cap’n

An A-S-S-H-O-L-E

Though God forbid Pete touch his little Gwen

In death he warms up to Spidey

And Stan Lee’s a high school librarian

More clueless than Cher Horowitz

But is he too clueless in real life

To see his best-loved franchise blown to bits


Ted review

July 8, 2012

Last year animation fans such as myself were alternately outraged and exuberated when Family Guy writer Seth MacFarlane announced his forthcoming reboot of The Flintstones – though Fred Flintstone is essentially The Honeymooners’ Ralph Kramden, who MacFarlane argues is the basis for his Peter Griffin, previous MacFarlane attempts to capture the essence of Fred and Wilma amount to little more than “I enjoyed rocking you up the rock last night.” And though it is difficult to locate recent professional reviews of Family Guy which avoid reference to its alleged jumping the shark around the time of Season 4 (Kevin Smith and Entertainment Weekly being among the elite few who despised Family Guy before it was cool to despise Family Guy), MacFarlane’s new box office smash film Ted, proves to be significantly more consistently funny than its director’s claim to fame.

The storyline follows John Bennett (Mark Wahlberg) a struggling Boston Rent-A-Car salesman caught between his workaholic love interest Lori Collins (Mila Kunis) and the eponymous teddy bear, an innocuous Christmas gift for a friendless ten-year old Bennett.  In an irreverent parody of A Christmas Story narrated by Patrick Stewart, Bennett’s wish for Ted to come to life is granted, and their childhood friendship gradually evolves over 25 years into a crude, overgrown bromance mainly consisting of pot-smoking while watching dismal movies such as Adam Sandler’s Jack and Jill and Flash Gordon, the latter of which proves to be MacFarlane’s newest nostalgia overindulgence.  In addition to directing and co-writing the film, MacFarlane voices Ted in a thick New England accent which fluctuates between that of Peter and Brian Griffin; this similarity at one point lampshaded by Ted himself at a party).  Kunis, who has voiced Meg on Family Guy since Season Two, is one of many collaborators in MacFarlane’s animation work to appear in Ted, but the rest are all cameos. Viewers will recognize Patrick Warburton (credited only as “Guy”) and possibly realize that Alex Borstein plays Bennett’s mother, but hardly anyone will spot Mike Henry, co-creator and star of Family Guy spin-off The Cleveland Show or especially writer Danny Smith.  Even Tammy-Lynn, the Jersey Shore expatriate in Quincy, Massachusetts who provides frequent casual sex to Ted while they work together at a supermarket, is played by a little-known FG voice actress, Jessica Barth.

In contrast to previous 2012 comedies which failed to live up to their hype such as The Dictator, American Reunion, and to a lesser extent in both ways, Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie, the hilarious moments within Ted are not at all limited to the ones which went viral.  The movie’s villain, a Ted-obsessed stalker only known as Donny (Giovanni Ribisi), whose childhood failure to receive the bear results in him ultimately “kidnapping” him for his morbidly obese son to mutilate in a way which Sid from Toy Story would admire, would have the potential to be the next Hannibal Lector had there not been a scene where Ribisi’s character is shown drunkenly dancing to the music video of 1980s pop singer Tiffany’s horrendous cover of Tommy James & the Shondells’ “I Think We’re Alone Now” in the comfort of his bedroom.  Even critics’ tedious accusations of MacFarlane’s lack of creativity (plagiarismo, as one Simpsons episode put it while the washed-up FOX animated series had joined forces with South Park in a “cartoon war” against Family Guy) have little veracity here, such as when Ted begins to speak and Bennett presents his parents with their amazingly altered gift.  I was expecting the cliché mastered by Chuck Jones for his short One Froggy Evening where Ted refuses to come to life for anybody other than his “master,” but MacFarlane immediately averts it.  But on second thought, this is to be expected from a man who had previously animated Elmer Fudd violently murdering Bugs Bunny and Wile E. Coyote contemplating suicide once his sole aspiration of catching the Roadrunner is achieved.    Despite its reused character voice, Ted is ultimately one of MacFarlane’s most original creations, and probably the funniest comedy of the first half of 2012.

Why I Hate Moon Man

July 7, 2012

Moon Man is disgustingly misogynist. He tells his girlfriend that he will “take her out to Mickey D’s” and then “fill her up with STDs.” Worse yet, he is a full-fledged bigot, due to his creator, Conway “Farkle” Cletusfuck of Bumblescum, Alabama. I have tried time and time again to make good Moon Man sites which are not racist and enforce good Jewish turned Christian values like love thy neighbor w/o coveting his ox and/or ass, but how come every time I come around my Moon Man Moon Man bridge is a-fallin’ down?

The Joker Still Remains

July 5, 2012

If you want to become a fan of anything, you will have to make a sacrifice or six.  Fortunately, only a few fans make six sacrifices for their idols.  Unfortunately, these six sacrifices are usually extreme.  One of these little fanatics was Tacoma Eagel (born Chad Jorge), a Steve Miller Band stalker ever since he heard “The Joker” (also incorrectly known as “Space Cowboy”) in 2012’s Batman Behind Bars.  As devoted to Steve’s Fly Like an Eagle album as Manson was to The Beatles (White Album), Tacoma Eagel’s one regret was that he had never seen the Steve Miller Band live.  In turn, Tacoma Eagel’s frustrated parents’ one regret was that their son had never seen the Steve Miller Band dead.

“They’re not even that great of a band,” Th Jorge, Eagel’s father said—fifty times in one year!  Occasionally that line was followed with this one: “Two of their hits aren’t even theirs.  ‘Jungle Love’ is a freaking cover and ‘Keep on Rockin’ Me Baby’ shares a riff with that one—Van Halen song.”  But as time went by, Eagel kept on slippin’, slippin’, slippin’ into Steve Miller’s fantasy world.  For Eagel, the Miller Band wasn’t a phase, it was a way of life.

Th Jorge’s expectations for Tacoma Eagel were lower than the odds that the Steve Miller Band would release a new album.  But after Eagel sacrificed a college education, a career, a left ring finger (he mailed it to Steve Miller and it was lost in the mail!), a love life (at twenty-seven, Eagel had never been kissed, not even on the cheek), a friendship, and an iPod (after playing “Take the Money and Run” for the 7000th time, the device committed suicide), Th Jorge took Eagel to a therapist.

The Bob Dylan Preservation Society (demo)

July 4, 2012

We are the Bob Dylan Preservation Society

Bob save Mister Jones, Judaism and Christianity

We are the Paul Simon Preservation Society

Paul save Cecilia, Julio, and Kathy

We are the Steve Miller Preservation Society

Steve save the Space Cowboy, the Gangster of Love and Maurice

We are the Billy Joel Preservation Society

Joel save Eddie, Brenda, and Christie Brinkley

We are the Elton John Preservation Society

Reg save Marilyn, Princess Di, and the Lion King

Tiger Trap (demo)

July 4, 2012

Bungalow Bill and them barbershop buzzards

Great soot! the Tigers roam free

Do not forget me, Mag up on the wall

The Tigers will deframe your effigy


Psycho jungle cats need thirty lashes

Holden Coffin to the Nylon King

Tea to effin’, four new tatas

Tea I double don’t curr for deeez caaats

Do not forget me, Marg up on the wall

The Tigers will deframe your effigy.