A Letter to Appeal to Cosmoetica dot com’s Own Dan Schneider

Refer to http://cosmoetica.com/B1257-DES880.htm#6%29%20Johnny%20Lurg

Mr. Schneider,

Though it was certainly not your intention, I am merely amused by your criticism of my alias Johnny Lurg within your recent essay. The same goes for your paranoia; that “Cosmoetica” account on Oh Internet which you attributed to me is not my sockpuppet. I don’t even believe it’s my confidant superdreamkilla’s account. And how you flatter me, Dan, comparing my writing to that of David Foster Wallace, a brilliant writer who I have not yet read and therefore owe no creative debts to. Thy insult has backfired, methinks. Of course, I’m one of the only people who knows that DFW is still alive. Yes, all this time, DFW was a pen name of your own Jessica Schneider. And now you undoubtedly respect the “man,” as you are opposed to the literary stylings of anybody outside of the oh-so monogamous Schneider union of matrimony. You are not so much different from the rest of us. You may not have a unibrow or God forbid curly hair, but the only true difference between the two of us is that I am the epitome of genuity while you are the antithesis of this, wading in the hellish sea of pretension.

Considerately yours,
Popeye Squirm


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