The B.S. Hour Episode One

The B.S. Hour Episode One: June 13, 2007

 

Intro w/ SARA CUMSUCCA and “PREPPY” DAN DRUFF

PREPPY: (eyes fixated on camera) Hey kids, I’m Preppy Dan!

SARA: Oh, Preppy!  You’re just so passionate!  Always caring for the little kids, and never putting yourself down!

PREPPY: I know, and I’m preppy as well. (stares at camera again) Not everyone gets to wear “Trollister,” just me and you.  And just you ‘cuz I buy you it…

SARA: In fact, I wrote you a song all about you!

PREPPY: How’s it go?  Dan wears Cronmaker and Spirk every day, he’s on the rug at noon moaning, he likes Sara Cumsucca to lay, he hits the hay after he goes surfing in the bay…um…his hair isn’t gray!

SARA: Dan’s the finest love when he sings in the shower, For your birthday he gives you a cake made of flour, Wake him up, it’s the BS hour!

PREPPY: (randomly wakes up from an off-screen sexual dream about Sara) The BS hour, I like that.  It’s preptastic!  (winks at camera)

 

[Cut to the Redneck, KEVIN KNIGHTLY-KEROUAC]

 

KEVIN: Hey dumbasses, welcome to that muhfuggin’ piece of snakeshit, the BS hour!  I’m this week’s muhfuggin’ host, Kevin Knightly-Kerouac from Kid’s Market II, which you muhfuggers should see, as it beats the frogshit out of Algebra II.  Remember that toadshit, with the proofs and all that snakeshit?  Well, Kid’s Market II actually has muhfuggin’ fun frogshit in it, such as rasslin’ racs & coons, huntin’ racs & coons, and bitin’ the heads off racs & coons.  Pretty cool, huh?  That’s what my muhfuggin’ wife said before I bit her head off during coitus.

 

[Cut to Parker and the Ions, consisting of PARKER SNUFF and KIRK SCRATCHITT]

 

PARKER: (nibbling on three pounds of cheesecake) Our band sucks.  The only good song we have is instrumental.  Chicks dig poetry.  Awwm, this cheesecake is goo-da!  Goo-da, get it?  It’s a pun!  AUKH.

KIRK: We’re gonna need better dreck than puns to win the affection of the Broad Street Broads From Pleasantly Low-Income Houses.

PARKER: (still gobbling the cheesecake) I did a squid once!  Hey, is that a knock on our door?

KIRK: (runs three steps) Already there. (opens the door) Oh my God, it’s our seldom-featured drummer, Coach David Watterson!  (COACH WATTERSON, dressed in a junior high bowling coach’s uniform, waves to Parker and Kirk)

WATTERSON: I found the Lyric of Destiny on Limewire today.

KIRK: What the schmuck is Limewire?

WATTERSON: Good thing you asked, Kirk.  Limewire is a P2P program you can steal stuff from.

PARKER: (still eating the goddamn cheesecake) Is it illegal?
WATTERSON: Yeah, but you won’t get caught.

PARKER: I like breaking the law.

WATTERSON: Don’t we all….OK, here’s the lyrics.
KIRK: Lemme have this.  (Grabs the lyrics) This is awesome.

PARKER: Should we credit him?
KIRK: You kidding?  Get out of here, Watterson, you’re fired.  (pushes Watterson out the door) Whoa, there’s all the chords on the back of the paper!  Let’s record the Lyric of Destiny.

PARKER: (as usual, pigging out) I got a stomachache!

KIRK: Ahem…Let’s record the Lyric of Destiny.  As our vocalist, you sing this.

PARKER: OK.  There’s nothing better than a wet…

KIRK: (plays the G-suspended chord)

PARKER: There’s nothing better than a wet one…AUKHHHH!  (vomits all over microphone until it breaks in half) Dammit!  Now, we’ll never get those Incoming Broads!

KIRK: You mean the Broad Street Broads From Pleasantly Low-Income Houses.  You got a gun?

PARKER: (gives Kirk his M16, and Kirk shoots his head.  He misses and there’s a giant hole in the wall, so he shoots one more time, and dies)

 

[Cut to an “old” commercial you’ve never seen featuring the half-witted lemur SCREWMONKEY]

 

(Screwmonkey drinks a bathtub filled to the brim with a mixture of Windex and Drano)

SCREWMONKEY: I do say, this stuff tastes of tainted Earl Grey!

ANNOUNCER: He’ll never learn.  Bad Screwmonkey.  Good Snickerdoodle! (brings up the image of a large snickerdoodle) Dominic’s Snickerdoodles, on Foothill and Atascadero!

 

[Cut to Ghey Arnold and the Jailbate Gangue, consisting of GHEY ARNOLD, SLINKI PETERS, SKID, and QUAROLD SERMEN, reclining in G. Arnold’s lounge.]

 

ARNOLD: That guy Helgo keeps making fun of me because my head is shaped like a dildo.

QUAROLD: At least you put up with the abuse.  You’re a bold kid, Arnold.

SKID: Dammit, I got a C- on my final exam!  Just because I’m gay, huh?

SLINKI: Alls I know is—you’ve got to lie about it.

QUAROLD: Wanna join in fourway?

SLINKI: Do I!

SKID: Agreed.

ARNOLD: I don’t feel like it.  Let’s go piss off the Jock Mafia instead.

QUAROLD: Yeah, let’s do it, is all!  Hey, did any of you try that new ice cream at Jen and Barry’s?  It was all, yum yum yum!

SLINKI: Remember that one time I came in Arnold’s mouth?  It probably tasted better!

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