The B.S. Hour Episode Two

SKIT ONE: Wile E. Peyote (as seen on the backs of Cap’n Crunk cereal boxes)

 

(The rambunctious Wile E. Peyote runs rapidly across the Grand Canyon, chasing after the elusive Choadrunner.  Suddenly, he runs into an Arizonian replica of Ayers Rock, smashing his sleek, green body into the stone structure.  He removes a sign from his slacks reading “Psychedelic, ain’t it?”

Psychedelic indeed.  For while it appears that Peyote is dying, he in fact is dining at Joe’s Grab Shack, eating some choadrunner chowder.  The Ayers Rock Incident is truly a hallucination)

PEYOTE (to the waitress): More choadrunner please!  And while you’re at it, bring me some of that Cactus Cooler!  (Peyote laughs in a stoned manner, but his distorted chuckles are drowned out by the ultimate Pee-Wee Herman laugh track.)

 

SKIT TWO: Taiwan Mushpot

 

PEYOTE: Hi, I’m Wile E. Peyote, star of a beloved cartoon.  Yes, we all loved the 1960’s, but when Woodstock gave way to evils such as Sir Mix-A-Lot, decent animation turned into Ghey Arnold and The Chimpsons.  That’s why I’ve decided to star in a decent cartoon.  Here’s the pilot episode.

 

(the camera focuses on San Lu’bispo High School.)

 

NARRATOR (Morgan Freeman): A member of the San Lu’bispo High faculty is actually kung-fu wizard Taiwan Mushpot!

(focus on Principal Ozzy Caul)

NARRATOR: Is it you, Mr. Caul?

MR. CAUL (grumbling): Naw.

(focus on Kimberly)

NARRATOR: Kimberly, the Department Chair?

KIMBERLY: I don’t think so.

(focus on Wile E. Peyote)

NARRATOR: Wile E. Peyote, the sleepy-eyed janitor?

PEYOTE: Could beeeeeeeee!

(Morgan Freeman, Christopher Walken, and uncredited others join in the theme song)

Taiwan Mushpot, the Wolf with the Kung-Fu Stink

Taiwan Mushpot, more knowledgeable than Professor Frink

He’s got a minute hand and a millennium hand, an eon hand and more

Taiwan Mushpot—put those hands in the air like you’re superior to a bear!
MR. CAUL: We’ve got a major vandalism disaster.

MUSHPOT: (thinking out loud) If there’s a problem, hey, I’ll solve it!  (runs out to the Teacher’s Lounge) Hey, I’ve got a great idea.  I’ll check the lounge before I wreck the lounge.  (opens door and looks inside) Hey, there’s a Crunkberry under the fridge.  What nostalgia!  And speaking of nostalgia, there’s my ex-arch nemesis, the Choadrunner.

CHOADRUNNER: Neep neep.

MUSHPOT: Choadrunner, I’m confused and need your help.  Who did all this vandalism? (the Choadrunner leads Taiwan Mushpot to a bunch of seniors.)

Thanks, Choadrunner, but which one is the vandal here?

(tape skips 2 minutes)

KIMBERLY: Wow, Taiwan Mushpot, you found those evil vandals!  You’re much more useful than that scummbag, Wile E. Peyote!  He can’t even mop up his own mess, let alone vandalism. (kisses Mushpot)

MUSHPOT: Yeah, I hear Peyote’s leaving San Lu’bispo High for Missino Prep.

KIMBERLY: Why the hey would he do something that drastic?

MUSHPOT: That school’s terrible and so is this Hong Kong Phooey rip-off.
SKIT THREE: Phallucy Male Enhancement

(cut to “Preppy” Dan Druff)

NARRATOR (Morgan Freeman): Meet Dan.  He’s the preppiest guy in town!  But he wasn’t always preppy.  You see, it wasn’t until he started taking Phallucy Male Enhancement that he won the heart of master preppie Spira Thame!

PREPPY DAN: Hi, I’m Preppy Dan.  Ever wanted more than your parents could afford?  Now you can get all that action, with Phallucy Male Enhancement.  It really works!  But don’t take it from me, take it from my preppie-ass girlfriend, Spira.

SPIRA THAME: Whenever I see a guy who takes anything but Phallucy, why I…I just keep on walking.

(Preppy Dan grimaces in suspicion.)

 

SKIT FOUR: Seeing-Eye Doctors

(cut to Jack Pumblechook)

PUMBLECHOOK: Hello.  I’m Jack Pumblechook, the Ancestor of Grunge.  People listened to my music during the time of Christ, and even though it gave them horrendous ideas and ear damage, well, they loved it.  As you may have already assumed, I am extremely elderly and currently, I am illegally blind.  But I am also exceptionally wealthy, and can easily afford a seeing-eye doctor.  Say hello, Doc.  (The doctor barks)

PUMBLECHOOK: Seeing-eye doctors.  If you’re sightless but nowhere near penniless, get one today!

 

SKIT FIVE: The Debs (sitcom)

(cut to the living room of the Debs family)

MRS. DEBS: Derek, how were your five hours on social networking sites?

DEREK: They were great, but my Facebook peers voted me “worst sense of humor.”  It’s completely fine though, as I can’t tell sarcasm from sardines.

MRS. DEBS (shouting): Derek D. Debs!  How are you supposed to become a homecoming god when you’re less funny than David Spade?

DEREK: I’ll try harder, Mom.

MRS. DEBS: This isn’t something small like…academic failure.  This is popularity!  It’s the only way through life, son, the only way through life.  (turns to Della) How was your time drinking hard liquor in the creek?

DELLA: Mom, I’m a teetotaler.  Besides, the label on my Prozac says “Do not mix with alcohol.”

MRS. DEBS: (shouting) Della D. Debs!  How are you supposed to become a prom goddess when you’re as sober as Donny Osmond?

DELLA: (sobbing) Sorry, Mom!

(Dathan runs to the defense of his sister and brother)

DATHAN: Mom!  Popularity isn’t everything!  Why, our own great-great-uncle, Eugene V. Debs, was a f*cking Commie.

MRS. DEBS: Wash your mouth out with soap, Dathan!  Using the “C” word…I won’t have it.  Not only was your Uncle Eugene a Socialist, but he is our family’s Voldemort.  Don’t speak his name!

DATHAN: Who’s Voldemort?

MRS. DEBS: Dathan D. Debs!  How are you supposed to become a cheerleading god when you’ve never read Harry Potter, hmmm?  Popularity is king!

(MR. DEBS rushes through the front door into the living room)

MR. DEBS: Honey, I’m home, and I got a gigantic promotion due to my countless friendships.  Remember kids, it’s not what you know, it’s who you know.

MRS. DEBS: (suggestively) And I know tons of people, hehehehe.

MR. DEBS: Yes, me too!  Every single member of the country club, and the arch-mayor himself.  Isn’t that great?

MRS. DEBS: Dichard D. Debs!  How are you supposed to become anything when you’re obviously as straight as William Tell’s apple and not his arrow?

 

SKIT SIX: Planet of the Bonobos

 

NARRATOR (Morgan Freeman): We’ve all seen Planet of the Apes.  With the unbelievably intelligent gorillas, chimpanzees, and orangutans, y’know what I’m saying?  But what that movie forgot to include was bonobos.  Yes, bonobos, I say.  These “pygmy chimps” are by far the most promiscuous species on our graying Earth, engaging in every sexual activity known to man!  Even sodomy!

PROFESSOR FRINK: Err…Mr. Freeman, sir, I am a certified scientist, and I know for a fact that bonobos do not engage in sodomy (shivers).

NARRATOR: What about gommorrhea?

 

SKIT SEVEN: Uncle Hunchry’s Outhouse (kid’s show!)

(cut to Hunchry, the pleasantly disgruntled hunchback.  Hundreds of two to five-year old kids cheer and applaud the show’s unattractive host, but their screams are drowned out by the ultimate Pee-Wee Herman laugh track)

HUNCHRY: Hey kiddies, I’m Uncle Hunchry and this is my show—which just happens to have my name!  Who knew?  I have a hunch that you did!  (leaps clumsily into the audience) Now for a game of Simon Sez!  Simon Sez, jump around!

(A babyish yet somehow trippy Raffi cover version of House of Pain’s “Jump Around” plays.  Kids jump everywhere on the set.  The camera is at risk of breaking.)

HUNCHRY: Wasn’t that special?  Simon Sez, drink your tangerine-flavored milk!  Simon Sez, torture your parents until they buy you a Tickle-Me Hunchry doll!  Torture Hunchry himself so Hunchry himself will buy you a Tickle-Me Hunchry doll!  (one child, a four-year old hunchback himself and especially fond of Hunchry, attempts to torture Hunchry with his bare hands.  Hunchry however knocks the kid to the ground.)

HUNCHRY: No, no, no, Simon didn’t say!  You get nothing from me!  (the kid stays in place with angelic eyes) Get out of here, you slovenly boy, you’re lowering my Nielsen ratings!

 

SKIT NINE: Screwmonkey

(cut to the half-witted ringtail lemur, Screwmonkey.  The prosimian drinks a bathtub filled to the brim with a mixture of Windex and Drano)

SCREWMONKEY: I do say, this stuff tastes of tainted Earl Grey!

NARRATOR (Christopher Walken): He’ll never learn.  Bad Screwmonkey.  Good Snickerdoodle! (brings up the image of a large snickerdoodle) Dominic’s Snickerdoodles, on Foothill and Atascadero!

 

SKIT TEN: Zack Black and the Squib Bus

 

(Focus on alleyway near East Privet Drive.  Enter Zack Black and Edsel McDonald, carrying stickball bats)

 

EDSEL: You know what, Zack, you suck!

ZACK: (raises eyebrows) That’s not nice.  I thought we were friends.

EDSEL: I’m gonna go play with Mark Evans!  (exit)

*

ZACK: I wish I had a friend, who wasn’t like Edsel McDonald.  Hell, I wish I had parents.  Too bad the only relative I have left is Uncle Psoriasis, who’s in Alcatraz.

(enter Vernon Dursley, and Petunia Dursley)

VERNON: Bloody orphans.  Why do orphans always get adopted?
PETUNIA: And why are adoptees always these bloody orphans?

ZACK: You could always adopt me.

PETUNIA: It’s talking to us, Vernie.

VERNON: Want me to get my gopher repellent?
*
(Cut to 4 Privet Drive)

VERNON: Pull me out forty Benjamins, Tuna.  Tomorrow’s Dud-Dud’s birthday!

PETUNIA: Harry, fetch me my king-sized purse!

HARRY: (literally comes out of the closet) Which one?

PETUNIA: I only have one because you keep touching them!

HARRY: Righty-O, Aunt. (hands Petunia the purse, which she opens to find Zack Black)

VERNON: Where’s my gopher repellent, you bitch?  (addressing Harry, btw)
HARRY: Oh, that’s no gopher.  That’s this one kid at my school.

ZACK: Hello!

(enter Dudley P. Dursley)

DUDLEY: (crying) I got too much brown in my underpants, Mummy!

PETUNIA: There, there, Dud-Dud.  Everything will be alright.

VERNON: You know, Dudley’s shit smells much better than Harry’s.  Or the gopher’s, probably.

*

(Next day.  Enter Piers, Malcolm, Dennis, Gordon, and Dudley—the Unibrowed Five, along with the Dursleys.  Zack Black is there too.)

VERNON: Dud-Dud, I got you 398456 presents.

DUDLEY: But I got 45789500896503 last year.

VERNON: Then Petunia, let’s add 1111294804190866986907689 more!

DUDLEY: I want to go to the zoo, Daddy!

GORDON: I like monkeys!

PIERS: Monkeys are dumb.  Let’s see snakes!

DUDLEY: Yeah, snakes are awesome!

MALCOLM: Snakes?  Screw you guys, I’m going home.

DENNIS: You guys are fags.  Speaking of which, anyone got a cig?

GORDON: I do, but I can’t light it because my species hasn’t discovered fire yet.

(cut to the Surrey Zoo!)

PIERS: Why are the Gay Gopher & Harry Peter joining us?  Don’t snakes eat gophers?

HARRY: Some do and some don’t.

DUDLEY: Oh!  There’s a snake!  Br-Br-Brazilian cornsnake, huh-huh, corn.

PIERS: Huh-huh, snake.

SNAKE: (to Harry) Ese, man, you gotta lemme outta here, man.  This place mucho bad man, mucho bad!

 

SKIT ELEVEN: Voices of Bonobos (explicit content)

(cut to Bonobo’s Peak Elementary School’s auditorium.  An assembly/concert is taking place)

SPECIAL GUEST STAR: Hi, I’m Jeff Beck, I’m a guit…

BONOBO #1: How big is it, bub?

JEFF BECK: My Fender is…why, I’ve never measured it.

BONOBO #2: Not your stupid blunt club, your cock, ya drooble!

JEFF BECK: Wow.  You know, coincidentally, my penis is technically a circumcised Fender.

BONOBO #3: Cool, does it play “Heartbreaker” when you beat it?

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