Winky’s Pub

SETTING: Winky’s Pub in Seattle—a small Irish-based tavern—1967.

 

CAST:

 

JOHNNY LURG: A vain yet eccentric drama major.  Still, he gets along fine with his not-so-pompous friends.  He has a strange sense of humor, and a noble family.

 

FRANK RAMUT: Johnny’s best friend.  The easygoing type.  Wears thick glasses that get broken easily.  As his glasses suggest, he is the most intelligent of the group.

 

GEORGE HILTRUS: Johnny’s other best friend.  When he was an infant, his parents split—and then both of them died.  Raised by his irritating uncle, his life is not as easy as the lives of his friends.

 

BARTENDER: A man who serves liquor at a pub.

                    *                                       *                                       *

(The three long-term friends are chatting about “improper topics.”  All three are a bit tipsy.  Suddenly, Johnny changes the subject to brag.)

 

JOHNNY: My Uncle Peter from Anchorage died and left me his cabin and snowmobile.  I’m going there in June.

 

FRANK: That’s far-out!  When my Uncle Charlie died, all I got was his bifocals, and my prescription’s definitely changed since then.  Annie says I should have kept them as a collector’s item, but hey, I haven’t collected anything since I bought those Howdy Doody action figures when I was a kid.

 

JOHNNY: (lightly burps from slight intoxication) Annie’s probably right.  Michelle says we’re getting married on May Tenth.  One of you two will be the best man.

 

GEORGE: (laughing drunkenly) Choose me!  May Tenth’s my birthday!

 

JOHNNY: George, how’s Maria doing?

 

GEORGE: She’s…she’s great… (suddenly starts to cry.  The bartender, a modestly handsome, black-haired man, hovers over the trio holding a beer for Frank.)

 

BARTENDER: Sir, would you like another beer?

 

FRANK: Sure.  (the bartender pours a second glass of Budweiser for Frank.)  What the heck’s wrong, George?  You haven’t been yourself all day.

 

GEORGE: Well (shudders) I think Maria’s having an affair.  It’s obvious.  She’s barely ever around.  When that girl says she’s going out for some tennis—I dunno.  Johnny, you believe me, right?

 

JOHNNY: Can’t say I do.  You paranoid?

 

GEORGE: I’m not at all paranoid.  A couple nights ago, she referred to me as “Jerry.”

 

FRANK: I don’t know anyone named Jerry, besides one of my uncles.

 

GEORGE: How many uncles do you have, Frank?  All I have is Harold.

 

FRANK: At least twelve.  Well, I’m Irish, that’s all I can say to that.  (The bartender returns.)

 

BARTENDER: Would you like another drink, mister?

 

(Johnny gasps, looking at the bartender’s nametag, which reads “Jerry.”  Johnny points this out to Frank, who whispers a few shaky words in Johnny’s ear.)

 

JOHNNY: Jeremy Rastik?  That bugger who always broke Frank’s specs?

 

JEREMY: Indeed.  I got expelled from junior high ‘cuz I got three girls pregnant, so—I’m a bartender.  What’s new?

 

GEORGE: (paranoid) Stay away from my fiancé.

 

JEREMY: You figured it out.  Smart one, George.  You know, back in junior high, I always knew Johnny and Frank would be cool and you and I would be losers.  Except I would be getting some.

 

GEORGE: You have some strange thoughts.

 

(End Scene)

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