Troglodyte Comix #1

In the winter (or was it autumn, or summer even?) of 2011, P. Squirm released the first (and obviously only) issue of Troglodyte Comix to Lost Cause Legitimate Publishing. It only consisted of one Brick Maldonado story, despite promising the likes of Pigfather, Franz the Gat, and “The Rest” (a sort of emaciated Chad Laurel). All copies have been lost, except for mine, and it’s not for sale, so here is a transcript for the people:

NARRATOR: Brick Maldonado contemplates the future!


(looks at some rather unhealthy-looking juggalo corpses in his cell block)

BRICK: Oh wait, it wasn’t a dream!! The long-awaited JUGGALO MASSACRE has finally arrived!

LIVE JUGGALO: Where’s the POSSE when ya need ‘em?

BRICK: Now I can enjoy JAIL without all the juggalos.

NARRATOR: 2 days later…

BRICK: Y’know, I’m actually starting to miss the little clowns. Maybe I’ll find a way to resurrect them.

(approaches DOCTOR JOCKTOR, who wears a prison uniform/scrubs reading “trust me, I’m a prisoner”)

BRICK: Doctor Jocktor, how goes the resurrection recommended?

JOCKTOR: I’m afraid it’s no use, Mr. Brick. The juggalos were just TOO PATHETIC to resurrect. There be ONLY ONE DOCTOR in this entire PENITENTIARY who can do this job, and it AIN’T ME!

(points at a portly unibrowed prisoner with a baseball cap reading “Cal Tech School of Medicinal Engineering” and a prison uniform reading “C++. C++ run. Run C++ run.”

PORTLY PRISONER: What’chall lookin’ at me fer? I’m not a doctor, just BIG-BONED!

JOCKTOR: Don’t play dumb, DOCTOR ANTI-KEVORKIAN, we all know what you’re capable of.

PORTLY PRISONER: Oh, you mean JACK-JACK? He lived in the cell next to me. But I got HUNGRY, and ATE HIM! Then I started wearing his hat! Oh yeah, and his uniform.

JOCKTOR: That’s it. I’m going in. (climbs into PORTLY PRISONER’s mouth)

BRICK: Take me along!

JOCKTOR: Sure! Hop in.

NARRATOR: Inside the stomach of A FAT MAN… (BRICK MALDONADO crawls next to an attractive BLONDE LADY in a red bikini)

BLONDE LADY: I never thought I’d see the day!

BRICK: D-D-D-Doctor? Anti-Kevorkian? You’re so much prettier than I thought you’d be.

ANTI-KEVORKIAN: Ah, well, being stuck in this body for so long has really enhanced my physical features.

BRICK: Now where did my friend Dr. Jocktor go?

DR. ANTI-KEVORKIAN: He’s been in my bed this whole time! (points at double bed inside PORTLY PRISONER’S stomach)

JOCKTOR (post-coitus): Ready for some more DOCTOR-ON-DOCTOR, Jackie?

BRICK: You can’t fuck my woman like that, DOCTOR JOCKTOR! She’s all mine!

JACKIE: Easy, jailbird. Who says we can’t all climb in my oh-so luxurious bed?

(cut to threesome)


JACKIE: You know, after we’re all done fucking, I can resurrect all those juggalos for you!

BRICK: Awww, Dr. Anti-Kevorkian! Who needs juggalos when I got you?

JOCKTOR: Oh yeah!

JACKIE: Harder!

BRICK: Feels so good.

PORTLY PRISONER: Is nobody else going to eat those dead juggalos?

DEAD JUGGALO: Nah, go ahead.


BRICK: I hope you enjoyed my latest adventure, “The Day All Juggalos Died.” hat’s that, Billy Fishlips from Mainesville, Massachusetts? You didn’t like it? Guess it’s time for me to escape from jail!

NARRATOR: The home of Billy Fishlips…

BRICK: (punches BILLY) Develop better taste in comix!



NARRATOR: The inmates at Pig’s Head Penitentiary answer the question: “What is a troglodyte?”

BRICK: Somebody with different opinions than myself!

JACKIE: What do I know? I’m just a highly sexualized misogynist stereotype. Yeah, I have a medical degree, so what?

JOCKTOR: I recall having a TROGLODYTE on the sole of my foot in seventh grade. It hurt. (his prison uniform/scrubs now reads “I told you I was a quack”)

PORTLY PRISONER (still eating dead juggalos): Mmm… juggalos.

DEAD JUGGALO: You’re all wrong! It’s a type of caveman! Use your heads!


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