Entire Fraternity Fails Greek Alphabet Quiz (from Leech Life, UCSBL’s mag & zine)

The thirty-seven undergraduate members of Sigma Theta Delta™, a UC Santa Bong Leech™ fraternity with long Southern traditions, all enrolled in a remedial Greek studies course, apparently as a joke, the nature of which is restricted to Sigmas (I am but a lowly Kappa Iota Kappa Epsilon). Perhaps unsurprisingly, each and every one of the 37 failed the quiz with a grade of 30% or lower. On first inspection, it appeared that 34 of them had actually shown up to class, but the professor didn’t know or care about names or faces of his/her students, and upon further inspection, it has been revealed that as a part of a hazing ritual, pledges took the test in place of the frat brothers. Maybe that explains the nature of the joke mentioned in Sentence One, who knows. I digress though, so anyhau…

Oh yeah, and actually one of the frat bros was replaced by a sorority sis, not a pledge with that decision. One can only assume nookie was involved. Professor Whit H. W. Whitemann™ did in fact notice a female where a male was supposed to be, but casually remarked, “Like, the ancient Greeks invented homosexuality, man. You dig? So, like, yeah, transexuality could possibly be a trend within Greek life, y’know what I’m sayin’?” His supervisor and identical twin brother, Assistant Dean Baron von Whitemann™ was noticeably disappointed by the lack of effort demonstrated by the pledges, telling Leech Life® from his Hawking-esque text-to-speech wheelchair programme, “I had always hoped that we’d see a resurgence of interest in the def culture which gave birth to the fratz. I’m talking about The Greeks™, in case you forgot. Aristotle, Archimedes, Aristophanes, Agnew, such good guyz. But this Sigma Haus is now on its last legs, unless they’re drunk enough to not be able to walk (lol I’m a hypocrite). Some of the kids didn’t know that Sigma, Theta, and Zappa were actual Greek letters; I swear to Der Fuhrer, I mean Gawd. Oh snap, I can walk again! But hmmm, I still can’t talk without this Hawking Mechanism™ and I’m still incontinent and/or impotent. Damn you, Kubrick, you Jewish Hollywoodman! I don’t curr if you’re an atheist now, it don’t matter to this Whitemann™! Wait, did you say the Greeks invented homosexuality? Aww, then fuck Greek Culture 101.6. Smothers, take the frat brothers off the Eleventy-tuple Secret Probation list. They’re probably all fine young Aryan gentlemen anyhey.”

“I’m glad that the Dean™ understands us,” said Dick Moist, the president of the Sigma Haus whose father owns not one, but 37 auto dealerships, none of which will ever hire a non-frat boy like you, thank you very much, but all female students need apply. “None of us care about the Greek alphabet (or their big-brained philosoraptor razzmatazz), but it’s not like we had a choice. If we had made up our own language, not that we could, that would be nerdy and shit. Sure, there are engineers in our frat but they’re only in it for the money™, not the nerdshit. So get serious, it’s not like we’d use Ay-rabic either.”


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