Archive for October, 2012

Goin’ Back to Quahog (parody of “Goin’ Back to LA” by David Tanny)

October 30, 2012

Goin’ back to Quahog, Quahog, Quahog

Goin’ back to Quahog

I don’t know why.

Goin’ back to Quahog, Quahog, Quahog

Goin’ back to Quahog

I don’t know why.

Goin’ back to Quahog for less fun than some twine

This has been our whole lives since 1999

We take a little break from our nonexistent homework

We may hate FOX News but we love the FOX Network

We wait for 20 minutes for Bob’s Burgers to fry

9:00 PM and it’s time for Family Guy

We always ignore the viewer discretion warning

It makes us feel rebellious to defy FOX censors’ scorning

The first fifteen minutes fail to deliver

Our respect for Seth MacFarlane crumbles to a sliver

He plays Peter, Stewie, Brian, and Tom Tucker

Even Glenn Quagmire, Rhode Island’s greatest *bleep*er

He will remake The Flintstones and we hope he voices Fred

We didn’t like his swing album but we own Blu-Rays of Ted

He has never married but he claims that he is straight

He also claims he’s just like Brian except that he can date

Just before we hear the next cutaway gag

We call over our pet manatee to see if he can drag

Those idea balls we bought him and he accurately predicts

The next two dozen episodes as well as most fanfics

We do this every single week

We rarely ever laugh but it beats being a Gleek

When it’s 9:30, it’s time for American Dad

We wonder why The A.V. Club prefers this show, it’s bad

Kevin McFarland gets paid to diss F.G.

We thought him Seth’s jealous brother until we couldn’t find the “E”

What show will they pick to be number one?

Well it looks like by default, they picked The Simpsons

At 10:00, we tune in to Adult Swim

Family Guy, Season 2, “E Peterbus Unum”

We watch the rerun and recall the times we laughed

If only Season 11 was this much of a gas

Then next Sunday, we’ll do it all again

And watch Family Guy at nine and then at ten

We’ll watch adult cartoons, all week long

With live action shows, you always will go wrong

When viewer discretion fails to warn us, we are sure O’Reilly scorns us

Oh, silly me! Time to feed the manatee.

Jerusalem Cricket

October 27, 2012

The insect’s nickname worried me so much

That during the summer when I visited the Holy Land

I would never order French fries at the Jerusalem McDonald’s

In fear that when I was dipping them into ketchup before the Western Wall

The burrowing cricket would emerge and devour my tasty fried potatoes

And slip back into the underground

 

But years later, in a California town where potatoes were unheard of

I chanced upon that roach-like pest

And it amazed me with its genuine drum taps

Thumping its stomach against the soil

And suddenly I knew that everything I once feared about the cricket was wrong

No toxins accompanied those rhythmic drums

And for the first time in my life, I felt calm and carefree.

California Oak Moth

October 26, 2012

One of the perks of having oaks in the backyard

Is being able to take time to view the California oak moths

Growing up on the leaves of the trees

Though I once panicked, thinking that they would eradicate my oaks

An expert informed me that I was overreacting

The moths are simply involved in commensalism

And my trees will remain healthy

Despite two years of infestation.

YelLow (parody of “Low” by Cracker) feat. C. Montgomery Burns and Waylon Smithers

October 26, 2012

BURNS: Sometimes I wanna bomb the town

SMITHERS: Sometimes I wanna get Burns low

BURNS: See the Springfielders’ demise

SMITHERS: See the aged skin yellow

SMITHERS: Sometimes I go and walk the street

Around Springfield’s gay village

BURNS: A billion dollars below my feet

A billion dollars, a billion dollars

SMITHERS: I’ll be with you, Burns, just so you know

Hey hey hey, we’re both yellow.

BURNS: I’ll be with you, Mr. Smithers, oh

Hey hey hey, we’re both yellow

The Color of Freedom (for G.S. Ike)

October 25, 2012

Black is just an idea
Race still hasn’t lost its appeal
Long before old Judea
White has been an ideal

Race still hasn’t lost its appeal
Racism still is allowed
White has been an ideal
If it’s achieved, you grow proud

Racism still is allowed
Your worth is determined by birth
If it’s achieved, you grow proud
The white will inherit the earth

Your worth is determined by birth
Long before old Judea
The white will inherit the earth
Though black is just an idea.

I’ll Be Yellow When I’m Ned (parody of “I’ll Be Mellow When I’m Dead” by “Weird Al” Yankovic)

October 25, 2012

I don’t care about your mustache
I don’t care about what’s kind
No born-again’s gonna tell me what to do

I won’t shop in your Leftorium
You can’t make me “hi diddly doo”
I’d rather *annoyed grunt* and “mmmm…” and “why you little”
And *shriek* and “woo-hoo!”

I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned (I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned)
I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned (I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned)
I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned (I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned)

I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned (I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned)
I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned (I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned)
I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned (I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned)

When are you
Stupid Flanderses
Gonna get it through your heads

I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned (I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned)
I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned (I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned)
I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned (I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned)

I can’t stand the voice of Lovejoy
I don’t really like to pray
No Veggie Tales ties around my neck (“okilly dokilly”)

I hate everyone left-handed
Even ambidextrous dudes
You won’t see me naming my kids
Things that rhyme with “God”

I tell you, now’s the time to go for
All the donuts I can grab
I’ll have plenty of time to read from Job
When I’m dying from my flab

I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned (I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned)
I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned (I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned)
I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned (I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned)

I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned (I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned)
I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned (I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned)
I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned (I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned)

When are you
Stupid Flanderses
Gonna get it through your heads

I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned (I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned)
I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned (I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned)
I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned (I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned)

“Okilly dokilly, neighborino!”

I don’t want no part of that anger repression scene
I won’t restrict Bart Simpson shirts from all teens
No high-powered V-chip to my name

I got all that I want
And if it’s all the same to you
I don’t need a Presbylutheran sermon
To find out who I am

And I’d rather have a
Frosty chocolate milkshake or a Krusty Burger
Than a freaking cow, man!

So don’t make me grow a mustache
I think my stubble’s much more cool
I’ll break off your left arm
If you ask me what’re my sins

I won’t tell you where my hair went
I don’t need to see no shrink
Dr. Monroe may be alive this year
But I’ll always think he’s dead (like Maude)

And all your loony gibberish
Won’t save you from Hell’s door
‘Cuz I know that you’re the Devil
From “Treehouse of Horror IV”

I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned (I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned)
I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned (I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned)
I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned (I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned)

I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned (I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned)
I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned (I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned)
I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned (I’ll be yellow when I’m Ned).

The Laurels

October 21, 2012

They said I could be Stan Laurel so I became Oliver Hardy
My folks watched their TV dinners splattered into faces like all-American banana pies
So I crept into the pantry and partook in a nightly kugel mass
Dropped me off in the black forest whining for a house to call home

My folks watched their TB dinners splattered into faces like all-American banana pies
It seems the violet beasts arose at the dawn of August 1971 while unfolding magazines
Dropped me off in the black forest wining for a house to call home
Zelda’s embers left me powerless but deacons convinced me I was chronic Lazarus

It seems the violent beats a rose at the Don of August 1971 while unfolding magazines
A slug has slithered onto the cage match of Legs vs. Laughing Louis I, he’s the latter
Zelda’s embers left us powerless but D-cons convinced us we were chronic Lazari
And sure enough, we both blacked out to metal mallet’s music and woke up winners

A slug has slithered onto the cage match of Legs vs. Laughing Louis I, he’s the ladder
Her name was Kennedy, born in a Perrier spring to a V-chip and pyrite ore
And sure enough, we both blacked out to medal mallet’s music and woke up whiners
Derelicts punted us east of the stadium, where I showed her wonders of my woods

Her name was Kennedy, born in a Perrier spring to a V-chip and pyrite ore
So a crypt unto the pantry and partook in a Knightley cudgel mask
Derelicts punted us east of the stadium, where I showed her wanders of my woulds
They said I could be Stan Laurel so I became a liver hearty.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower review

October 18, 2012

Based on Stephen Chbosky’s bestselling and widely banned 1999 epistolary novel,The Perks of Being a Wallflower ultimately fails to live up to its source material. A “but not too quirky” poor man’s Wes Anderson flick set in a typically abysmal high school with as many teenage stereotypes as a Disney Channel musical, Perks heavily suffers from the same clichés that mark the oxymoronic genre of “mainstream indie.”The soundtrack reads like a Pitchfork mixtape with songs from Sonic Youth’sDaydream Nation and Pavement’s Slanted and Enchanted, neither of which was name-checked in the book. The lackluster nature of the soundtrack also provides for countless awkward montages, the most ridiculous of all being a melodramatic (a word which could describe 99 percent of the film) three minutes of Sam (Emma Watson in her second post-Potter role) imitating a bird in flight while perched on the trunk of her stepbrother’s car as David Bowie’s overblown anthem “Heroes” blares through a dark Pittsburgh tunnel. In what could very well be described as a plot hole, or at the very least, irony, none of our Smiths-savvy teenage rebel protagonists recognize the title or the artist of one of Bowie’s greatest hits. “We can be hipsters, just for one day,” apparently.

While most of the characters of the novel lacked three-dimensional development from the beginning despite strong potential, they haven’t improved after 13 years, even becoming less likable in the process. Chbosky, who worked for decades as a screenwriter for various projects such as the CBS drama series Jericho and a canceled film adaptation of educational cartoon Schoolhouse Rock before choosing to direct this adaptation of his own novel, described the character of Patrick (Ezra Miller from We Need to Talk About Kevin) as the perfect brother he never had, as well as the ultimate role model for gay adolescents “who would instantly punch anyone who dared call him a ‘faggot.’” However, while Patrick evades all gay stereotypes, even briefly entering a relationship with closeted quarterback Brad (Johnny Simmons), taboo by the standards of both the high school status quo and Brad’s evangelically Christian and physically abusive father, Patrick also falls short of being a perfect role model. True, he is gregariously kind to psychologically troubled and initially friendless freshman Charlie (Logan Lerman), the titular wallflower of the film, but at the same time Patrick cruelly mocks a former Vietnam veteran who teaches the industrial technology class in which he meets Charlie to the point that the teacher barely passes Patrick, just to avoid dealing with his obnoxious, offensive senioritis for another term.

Even more frustratingly, Emma Watson falls victim to the lax characterization and pretentious, borderline preachy dialogue such as “we accept the love we think we deserve” and the cringe-worthy “welcome to the island of misfit toys,” which plagues the entirety of the film. In an interview given on Oct. 5 at Cal Poly, Chbosky admitted that when she auditioned for Perks, he discovered “a shy, nervous young girl behind all the Emma Watson-ness,” a concept that eerily mirrors the life of Marilyn Monroe, the subject (but not the role) of Watson’s previous film, My Week with Marilyn.Unfortunately, Chbosky failed to add elements of such complexity to Sam’s personality, and much of Watson’s screen time is unfortunately devoted to simply sexualizing her, giving her role too much Marilyn and not enough Norma Jean. She does fall victim to the selfish demands of Penn State student Craig (Reece Thompson) while resisting Charlie’s innocuous admiration for her, but this only contributes to those exhausting “nice guys finish last, bad boys win” themes in which this film generously indulges. But hey, in lieu of legitimate compliments, at least Craig’s alma mater leads to no Penn State jokes, and neither of Charlie’s drug experimentations results in a fluorescent Disney acid sequence, despite multitudes of unwelcome melodrama.

 

American Haikus (Only Not)

October 7, 2012

Gomer at the Bat

We want a batter

So please don’t supply us with

Broken ladders. Thanks.

 

Jed the Mumbler

Primal screamers may

Emit ballparks of pathos

But we mumblers think.

 

The Bad News Band: The Haikuization
Parker played the drums

Kirk worked wonders on geetar

Watterson played bass.

 

Tentacle Fating Calls

Keep those tentacles

Green not purple and the Earth

Will repay you soon.

 

Leeroy Jenkins + Chicken = ?

The world cannot

Coexist with World of

Warcraft and/or you.

 

I Like Big Mutts (Fido Got Bark)

October 6, 2012

I like big mutts and I cannot lie

You feline lovers can’t deny

And when a hound dog comes for a big Frisbee chase with a wet tongue in your face

You get licked

And you notice that dog was fixed

I look at his golden collar

Dog tags make me start to holler

“Oh, Fido, I wanna go walk ya

Never ever gonna hawk ya”

Your fur coat, it could warm me

But Cruella De Vil, sh-she so barmy

Only slight in the bite but he got much bark.